When a text message is sent, is the date and time on them accurate? I got one dated today, 5:30 am - that Kaiha claims to have sent last night. She called me at 6:30 am to say she was sorry she didn't come home last night. I am tired of being gullible. Is it possible she's telling the truth? Or is she really just playing me? You all, I need to know. I told her the next time she doesn't come home, doesn't call - she is out of here. Her notice is NOW.
I feel like such a hard ass - but we laid the rules again just last week. I have to... and I don't like being the enforcer. It hurts my heart.
I let myself go through the negatives and then when I was just about to start checking local hospitals, she called. I was so relieved all I could do was tell her I was so mad at her for not calling and cry. I was so relieved to hear from her that I forgot the mad details. I told her not calling was disrespectful and how could she think I didn't care? When she got in the door 30 minutes later, I just wanted to hold her. Can we say Steve is furious with me? UNDERSTATEMENT. Her job is in tact, she is ok. I reacted from loving her instead of anger and shocked her. She couldn't believe I would be so worried...no one ever worried about her like that. Steve isn't talking to me; just AT me. My car didn't make it home befor the check engine light came on YET AGAIN - and I have a list of things to go over with her when she gets home tomorrow night after work
9pm curfew Sun-Thurs because we need us settled in.
pick up cigarrette butts out of the yard and keep working on quitting
always call me if she isn't coming home on time or if traffic is awful
Find her own place by March 1st
Maybe we need our anger to get some points across - I don't know. I think when we can say 'I was so worried, don't do that again and remember the rules' - it's better than yelling and doing the angry thing. Angry isn't me - and I am not played just because I chose not to tell her the stages my hurt and anger went through. Mothers aren't supossed to have to get their release at the expense of their kids even if they are 22. SAYS ME. If I threaten to take her access to college, that's mean. I'll strongly remind her about caring for Miles - changing the size of his dishes at the VERY least - and working on how she connects with other people - relationship is important.
Anyway.
I'm exhausted and it's the new moon. I can't call energy when I haven't any. I love you all for caring and for everything you said... I especially am thinking hard about moving her to the couch... but sleeping with 9 cats is cruel and unusual punishment.
I feel so foolish this morning. I was ready to put 100% behind my daughter and help her be successful. I am not a nit picker either - Steve has been nit picking since the beginning. Looking for reasons for her to fail from her lack of maturity to her sexual preferences. On the surface, there have been insensitivities on both parts. I have tried to keep my sight on the goal... her getting a place, her being successful, her finally getting out there on her own two feet.
She got the car on someone else's dime and prayers. We have spent 3 thousand plus dollars to bring her back, fix her tooth, buy her laptop, support her since October (with a 2 week break), buy her coat and include her in christmas. We no longer have our land money - Geoffrey has been relegated to his things being behind the sofa. Her cat is closed in a room with instructions NOT to let him out - Since she started her job she has come home 2 nights in 2 weeks. Oh she's slept here, not coming in until past midnight. She leaves at 6am. She doesn't call to say she's not coming home, she doesn't call to let me know where she's going. She just doesn't come home and doesn't call. She spent the weekend away stopping in briefly to shower. She's not eating here. She doesn't help with anything any more - I haven't heard from her since 7 yesterday morning and she didn't come home last night. I don't know if she has a day off from work or if I should call the police and report her missing. She said she was going to possibly play trivia after work with the people from work. I imagine she stayed the night with a friend and borrowed clothes and will go in to work. She does what's good for her. But the problem is, I'm left to imagine.
Steve and I almost fought over her not calling and I told him she'd told me about trivia when she left in the morning - I try to give her the benefit of the doubt, but when 11:30 comes around then 2:20 and you realize there's been no word - you worry.
I have a major headache from being up most the night - you know how you almost sleep - listening?
I don't know how she can explain this away without being in the hospital this morning. I am stressed because once again I tried to help my kid and she has behaved according to old patterns. It was not my expectation for her to fail. I was ready to take a stand for her even though Steve asked me not to. I almost let this riff be too great to fix on behalf of my daughter who is ending her time with us on this note...
I know she's found someone to roommate with and they are searching for a place. I know she was uncomfortable about Steve being so hard assed. I know being here is less than perfect. But this really hurts. How dare she behave like this? How dare she put me in this position yet again? Steve's right in his view - we should have said NO. For our sake, we should have said no and turned the deaf ear. For her sake - I just don't know anymore. I believe people. I don't expect them to lie to me and weave lies around us. And I am left to be wrong and to cry.
There is never any middle ground - no balance - where my older kids are concerned.
Well, I am at that place I'd hoped I could put off - I love my kids so much and without fail - they push the limits. When Kaiha called and asked me if she could come stay with us, she was so sad. She said her relationship with Angie was over. I went to Steve, knowing he'd say NO - but he loves me and he said YES. So we allowed Kaiha to come. She came a week earlier than originally decided on. We accepted that and welcomed her. The next day it became apparent she and Angie were still a couple. We were not happy, but we accepted that. She asked if she and a friend could go to the mall - no problem. She came home 3 hrs later than expected. We discussed that. Every day has been spent on the phone with Angie or running places with Jessica. Not a big deal except we are feeling a bit deceived. I bought her a laptop for college. Steve bought her a bed on Thursday. On Wednesday we found out her check she's counting on isn't coming. The financial aide advisor had quit without informing her of the need to reapply for her pell grant. OK - not her fault, we'll put ourselves out and cope and spend money to fix our car and put her on insurance. Alternate plan in place. Thursday she tells me Angie is being discharged from the Navy and is moving back to GA asap. They will be dating and it's not our place to object. So I'm talking to Steve and we realize we can't dictate who she sees. OK...a few hours later she tells me Angie is driving down for the weekend and she's spending the whole weekend with Jess and Kiki in case everything works out and she can be with her. I'm not happy. I know Steve is gonna go through the roof over all this. I told her she needs to skip this weekend and tell Angie not to come. Well, steve kind of lets it slide, he just doesn't want the strain in our home. Kaiha tells me last night that Angie probably isn't coming anyway - then this morning at 5:00 she starts the dryer. I asked her what's up? Angie is 10 miles from our house. She's so tired. She needs to stop and say hello and the two of them are starting their weekend earlier than expected.
Last week, I'd made arrangements with Comcast to come start our service this morning. Kaiha was going to be the adult at the house today. She was disappointed, but Angie and she would stay till they were finished - That necessitated me calling Steve to tell him Angie was there. He was not angry - he just said tell them to leave. He's sending Kaiha home to her girlfriend when she leaves this weekend. She can't stay.
See, like I tried to talk to Kaiha about early this morning - nothing that has happened is her FAULT. NOTHING. Everything happens TO her. I told her she needs to meditate and instead of thinking about the release, she needs to visualize the IN breath and call her energy home and GROUND herself. She only partly understood me. NOTHING is her fault and she's not causing problems. She's being sweet and self absorbed. She doesn't understand why I am concerned. But as her life happens to her, it wooshes everyone else along with her. If she was on her own living as an adult - it would be different. She could do anything she liked. Had I known she and Angie were staying together, I'd have told her to stay put and work it out! You don't fix what's wrong by seperating. Angie verbally cuts Kaiha, and Kaiha hits Angie. They do this when they drink. It's sad, but they are going to have to get counseling and make adult decisions. I cannot allow my family to be drug through their relationship issues. Geoffie gives up his space for her - She puts me in a position to cushion what goes on in her life. It's just not going to work under these circumstances. Steve will lay it out to both of them...and I will back him. She never intended to lie to us. Things just changed and under the present perameters, we could not offer help.
I am so sorry. I am very unfocused at work today. This is so weighing on me. I knew the lessons were here. I'd just hoped they would be a bit different.
Since Kaiha has been here, she's been on the phone constantly. I tried to talk to her just once and it didn't work. She got very defensive. I could care less about her being lesbian - but I care very much about the drinking and verbal abuse and fighting. I tried to talk to her and realized it will do no good.
She came here under false pretenses and that pisses me off. She said they were done. Well that was a lie - and the IM left up on my machine implies I am having issues with Kaiha and she's sad - and she has to sneak. That is bullshit.
I realized I have to let her do what she chooses - the relationship is hers -
and I was not giving her bad looks. That is not my style but she wouldn't know that, would she? What I think, I say to your face.
I was sitting on the sofa watching the cats, off my computer, without my glasses - and what I was doing had nothing to do with her. I can't watch TV with Geoffrey without pointing out the bad attitudes the shows use as humorous. Last night wasn't about Kaiha at all.
I simply realized that while she is here, she's not going to be spending time with me - which was what I'd hoped for I guess. It's been online with Angie, together, searching for her car, for her apartment situation - Steve was discounted as a source of advice for the car and mechanic, and I am discounted as a source to talk to because I don't want her beat up or verbally abused by her partner. So I guess the lesson is You open the door, let them do what they please - or you are crap. Somehow I expected a little different this time. I'm not sure why I expected anything - and that's the center of the situation for me. I know better than to to expect anything. It opens the door to places I don't want to revisit.
