So I woke up from this dream last night and my tears were flowing - I knew exactly what it was telling me and what had triggered it and what feelings were behind it and the flood gates were open of their own accord - not a thing I could do. No sobs, just tears that won't stop. I've dreamed this one before. I laid there unable to stop and because I DO cry over this - Steve put his arm around me and never asked why I was crying, or if I needed anything. He never asks. He doesn't want to know. He'll be here and say he loves me, but to connect is asking too much. This dream is reoccuring.

In my dream I'm fighting and hitting for what I want and no one is hearing my words though I am saying them over and over... what I'm doing isn't the important thing - it's the deaf ears and fighting to be heard. Eithne made a comment yesterday and I cried. I don't do vulnerable well. I wish it would go away. I cry - way too much inside - and sweetie please don't react like this is your fault because it's not - I understand how everyone sees me - the lady who can manage everything, who is everyone's rock and everyones resource. I thought how I'm always strong and not vulnerable - I'd give anything to have someone care about protecting me for once.

The truth is, I want that one person in my life who will connect with me. I'd give anything if it were my husband but I know better. I feel like I've been screaming my whole life for someone to understand that yes I CAN manage and YES I will stand with you and fight - but inside I am just as frightened and just as weak and just as vulnerable as anyone else.

When you are strong no one gives consideration to how you feel. You can say what you want and that damned gramma voice starts in. Maybe she's trying to tell me something I've missed for all these years... we go out and hubby parks in the back of the parking lot so other people don't have to walk so far, and if it rains, it's no different - if it's 100 degrees, I have to never say a word about the ac not working in the Jimmy - I'm a whimp if I don't want to be in the heat - I should do everything myself to save us money - I understand I CAN. I understand people view me as capable - but for Gods sake couldn't someone just ask me if I need something to be easier? I feel like I'm digging a tunnel for everyone to use and I'm digging it with a spoon. Yes it can be done - but why can't I have a shovel like everyone else? If another woman was in the car, Steve would ask if she wanted to be dropped off at the door - heck, even writting this I feel like I am back in the dream. The words fall on deaf ears.

From the time I was a tiny child I have have been being strong - overcoming obstacles and abuses and treatment that would have made others flat give up and die... and I am still here and still waiting for whatever it is that finally notices and says "WOW she handled this and she's DONE standing on her own. I'm gonna unstop the ears of the people who love her so she can really experience connecting and being cared for. I'm gonna help her family KNOW her instead of just NEED her."

I'm tired of this f**king brick wall around me that no one cares is there. I AM HERE. I am not the poster child for the song I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR. Yes, I can be but that's not the point.  Deaf ears... I told Steve not to worry about my tears I wouldn't bother him with knowing what was wrong. He was fine with that - silent as usual. Then he wanted sex. Just once, I wish he'd ask so I could say or not say - but it's always the same.

Nothing is ever wrong and I'm always strong and capable.

I hate full moons and periods - and dreams that won't go away. Remember how I said I don't know how to work with full moon energy? Well this is it - Full moon again and it kicks my butt. Yes it's beautiful - but I don't know what to do with the flow of it - it overwhelms me. The full moon is so powerful and always tied into my limitations. My moontime, my vulnerabilities, my intuition - the part of me that is unacceptable... I can't wish it away - I can't control it. I don't know how to work with the energy and I've avoided it -

why is this my lesson NOW? Menopause and moons... and ebbs and flows.

Sometimes I wonder if we are with people so different from us because we can't bring balance within ourselves without them. I hope that makes sense.

I know I have drug you all through this drama lately and I don't mean to. I just have to have someplace to put it down or I will loose myself in the insanity. That's a hard word, but sometimes pain is insanity.

I made a decision the other night to push my husband to a place he will not go on his own. He pulls me down this road to his pain and guilt, then closes the door on it and leaves me standing to stare at it and hurt too. I can't do it and after ritual and weeks of soul searching a plan of action came to me - I pushed that door back open. I made a stand and told him to choose to live with us or leave. He said I had no right to say the things I did and I can only hope that us being together gives me some right -  if we know there is poison in a wound and don't release it, the one poisoned is not going to heal. Goddess help me, but I know this with sureity. I know some wounds have to be cared for with water - you submerse the part of the body that needs cleansing into a pool and circulate the water. Some have to be cauterized, and some take constant care and salves and bandages... healing is slow if at all - and some wounds kill us. Not this one though if I can help it.

I believe this man is with me for a reason. He drew me from my deep dark place, and I believe I do us all a disservice to leave him in his. I think we have approached the wound in the wrong way until now. I pray this one needed releasing - a lancing so the poison can be cleaned out.

He doesn't believe in life lessons and karma and learning from things. He doesn't believe in a higher power or Universal energy - He just hurts and tries to be a good man and wants everyone and everything to leave him alone and not hurt him more. I know some things can't be fixed - but to give power to such a person AS HIS EX for the rest of our lives -

The festering takes on a life of it's own. I took the mirror comment and the critisism and the blame - and I prayed and prayed - and I decided to fight.

I don't know where the healing will come from - but I didn't let him shut me out again or leave me in that place where I was to blame. I kept turning the words back to the subject, not letting him deflect it with the sins of my children -  or my sins, or caring for his mom, or his dad's sins -  I kept saying I'm sorry, but you did this - you did this... finally the man screamed from deep inside - all his power went into this sound. I think if he could have willed himself to explode, he would have. I did not go away from him. I wanted to. I wanted to run away and I wanted to pull him to me and change things, fix them, make them go away - but they don't go away... decisions were made and we have to go on. We don't get to ball up and die. I pushed him to that place of fire in his head where I couldn't go with him and I waited - It's like something alters your life and you have no voice and you are shouting inside your self I'M IN HERE - I CAN'T GET OUT. Like a horror movie gone bad.

I have had three of the most draining days waiting. Ultimatums are never something to do lightly. You never play with another persons pain and regret. And when you put one out there, you have to live with the consequences. I love him so much. I was practically not breathing waiting to see what he decided. He didn't say a word until after I got home from work  yesterday. I went upstairs and said Hey baby and he opened his arms to me. God knows it was all I could do to keep standing.

and he's back to talking to me and playing with Geoffrey and nothing has really changed except he's functioning again - he's moving forward and that's all anyone can expect.

I can't say I will ever support him trying to go deal with his EX, ever again. There is something awful she does to him without ever lifting a finger. It's a silent manipulation - it's dangerous. Flat out POISON. I won't underestimate it ever again.

Well, it seems I need to revisit the Church thing for another of my children. Kay called me last night in torential tears so angry at her father she couldn't stand it. She'd tried to call and talk to him and he had hung up on her again. My heart just wants to wrap her up and heal her somehow and I can't. It's a terrible feeling to know your baby has to work through this with someone else.

She's started counseling with a professional and it's the best thing for her. I've dealt with her anger for years, but she has lived in denial. I guess they had to, since Greg was their custodial parent. Now she is afraid every body function is abnormal and she has a list a mile long of things that hurt. No period since May, 25 yrs old. Since tests reveal nothing, she has begun counseling. Even the counselors don't know the can of worms this will open up on their couch. I know though. I've been there.

When I say I was an abused child, abused wife, and/or part of a cult - people go OH, I get it.

NO...they don't get it. It's not about ME. It's about the generations.

I was a parent raising my children in a way that abused them, in the name of Religion. It doesn't go away because I left the church. I left my children after 16 yrs with a father who only left the same church because it disolved around him. Now he attends in home bible studies with ex members and keeps the Holy Days with Jewish groups.

He still controls, abuses and withholds love with the best of them. He still believes the same way. He still hits his grown children in the mouth, or denies them his support and love if they don't believe in his God. He let Taryn quit school because she'd of failed with the Holy Days added into her other attendance issues (she suffers severe headaches)...so he signed her out - then didn't pay for the correspondence course he promised her. He makes her pay rent to live there, buy her own groceries, pay 50$ a month to keep her pets, and insists on a strict cerfew. He treats her like she is a slut and puts her in the position of depending on her older boyfriend for 'rides' to work - then THREATENS to kill the young man if he has sex with her.

The Feast of Tabernacles is coming up in 2 weeks. He insists Taryn come here if she doesn't go with him. She has to bring her animals, she has to put her job in jepoardy - so HE can go to FL when he's on the verge of loosing their vehicles, home and everything else they have. He finagled 1800$ out of Kay who is the one with the crisis right now - he lied to her and is using the money her husband 'helped' him with, to attend the gathering. Anyway... the road always branches out many directions depending on who is having the crisis of the moment -

My kids all failed out of school except ONE daughter, of the oldest 5 - because they missed chunks of the year being FORCED to attend church Holy Days. In the name of religion my children were denied their education - and had to make it up later. In the name or religion, my children were denied free thought, self expression, and friends. In the name of religion, my children were 'corrected' from the time they were tiny babies - attitude was everything and attitude was all they had to rebel with. Taryn is living this NOW. Kay is desperately trying to find a compartment in her mind to put the pieces into.

http://ironwolf.dangerousgames.com/exwcg/ was a very consuming link for me this morning. This man/minister/ left the church at the same time I did. Right as it fell apart. There is also a yahoo support group I just found out about. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/freedomofmind/ I may check it out.

In two weeks, I am daring the wrath of God and Greg - and allowing her to be dropped off at my home and picked up and taken back home without Greg's permission. OMG she will have sex (I helped her get BC). OMG she will go to work(so she can maintain her rent). OMG she will be able to do her normals IN HIS HOME (which she does anyway), and disobey HIS God. And OMG I'll be a phone call away from my 16 1/2 yr old. Oh well, I've been disobeying his God for years. I might as well be guilty again... She'll spend her days off with me and I'm 40 minutes away.

As for Kayla, she can't yell at her father. She has to recover from the abuse with the abuser doing his same GOD BLESSED thing - going on forward believing he's RIGHT. She can't change him. She has to somehow find a healing place for her own life.

For me, this is still personal. I wasn't able to save them. I wasn't able to explain my own part in it, the mind development that led me to marrying into it or following the practices or leaving them in it. I'm the MOM - I can't excuse it away. I am only forgiven as they move into their own understanding of what they have been through.

From where I sit, I can speak to the counselor and give them some direction - I can love my daughters and son and let them yell and cry - and I can pray to the Goddess who has become MY strength that she continue to lift me above the anger and allow me to see the entire picture and stand staunch - loving, understanding, attached; yet detached from the old experience. I get shaky from time to time - but I am the strongest woman I've ever known. I keep reminding myself of that. Especially when my baby is hurting.

She sent me an "I love you" card this morning. Her birthday is tomorrow. She is buying herself a journal. I think a journal is a lovely gift. Maybe it will evolve into what I ultimately want her to have . . .

WINGS

Thanks for listening.

~Amber

I am finally home. 376 miles later.

At 4am Kera decided to move her kittens upstairs. I woke up and helped with that task. I think she just got overwhelmed with all the teen and boy attention and the kittens are trying to walk a little as well. I couldn't go back to sleep. I thought I set the alarm, but I guess I missed. Next thing I knew it was 7 am. I got up, grabbed a shower, woke Taryn. I pulled a card from my Goddess Tarot deck. It was dim, I saw Fertility, and it felt good. We were hurrying. We left the house at a quarter till 8. We went into town and bought a breakfast biscut and I realized I should have gone down 124 instead of into Snellville. 17 miles out of the way. I knew it would take us about 2 1/2 hours to get there and visitation began at 9.

We made good time, caught the green lights, had real productive conversation on the way down. I was flying. We got there at 10. As I'm searching for my drivers lisense, which I renewed Friday, I had the clear image of where it was. At home on my desk. I was all of a sudden sick to my stomach. Prisons are not known for bending the rules.

We were told they were in the middle of a count and it would be after 12 before we could get in anyway. There was no way I could get home and back and see him today. A woman guard came to the fence and I asked her if there was any other ID the prison could accept. She first said no, just a drivers lisense. The she asked what I had. I pulled out 6 different credit cards, my AutoTrader work ID, my social security card, my check book, and my Stone Mountain pass. About 6 signatures total. She looked at me, took a big breath, and said she'd see what her boss had to say. She took every piece of ID I had into the guard house. I walked down the sidewalk. Taryn put her arms around me and we stood for a moment. In my head I prayed. Goddess You are the Great Mother of all. You know how important this day is to all of us. Please help.

We started talking about what we COULD do if we were told no. I'd call Steve and ask him to meet me in Siloam and bring the lisense. If he hurried, we could have an hour.

By now it's 11:00. The guard came out handed me my ID and said I should really be careful driving without a lisense - Then she smiled a little and said I was approved to go in! She handed back my IDs and I looked her dead in the eyes and said BLESS YOU. I told Taryn, the Goddess card I'd pulled had said our efforts would be fruitful. I can't tell you how I felt at that moment. Still, we had to wait till the count was over and it would be another hour. I was so relieved - Taryn goes 'Mom, don't cry.' I thought having ADD sucks sometimes - if I'd been turned away... Ok, shake it off, let it go... We drove up the road and found a little feed store. They had some plants out front. Just a small selection. I bought 2 pots of rosemary. It's the only herb they had. One for me, one for Taryn. We sat and breathed the scent for a few minutes and just had a bit of quiet. We drove into town and checked out main street. We went into a little store to use the bathroom. It was real clear the locals were not welcoming of outsiders. So we decided to go back to the prison and sit in the parking lot.

11:50 came and we joined the line with other families. Women who were there to see husbands. Women with babies and children and teens... a father by himself... we stood in the heat trying to make small conversation. It was so hot. Some were complaining loudly about the wait. Taryn leaned on me and her head is right at my breast level. I told her it's not that I minded her leaning, but people were gonna see a bit sweat mark where ever she touched me. Right between my boobs might not be real attractive - lol the lady behid me started laughing, the lady behind her laughed...it was this ripple affect. I took my shoes off. I had to. Another lady sat down and I promised if we could go in before her, we'd help her up... she thought that was funny...she was behind us anyway. Anything to pass the time in that heat.

12:40 came and we finally got to the window to trade car keys for proof of our approval. The lady from earlier recognized me, and just traded me keys for number. She didn't hold us up any longer. We got inside at 1:00. We were told to sit in this grouping of 3 chairs and wait. It was so odd to be in this room but I wasn't afraid like I thought I'd be. Taryn was anxious and started buying food from the machines - 2 frozen burgers, 3 sodas. 1:15 and the people who'd come in ahead of us and behind us had both met up with their people. 1:25 and still nothing. All of a sudden Taryn got all bouncy! She'd seen him coming up a walk. 10 more minutes passed and he finally came in the door. he held her in a big hug for a moment and then turned to me and smiled and said he thought we'd stood him up. He put his arms around me and I teared up. I told him I couldn't help it, I was going to cry. He laughed at me and said "AAh, I'm ok."

We had an hour and a half with him. It was priceless. He made faces at a toddler behind us and had the kid laughing. We talked about the cats and the garden - and things going on and how much he exercises. We talked about how they use food to control them and how careful he is to not cross anyone so he can get out in 2013. There was not a shade of a lie in this day. I sat and listened while he told me about the shooting - and why he was alive and the other young man was not. It lead into a conversation about his dad's religion and how he told his dad the star of David is a pagan symbol and Greg got all upset! Then he said how the only religion he even thought possible to consider was Wicca and I laughed. I didn't get into details much, but Taryn goes yeah, Mom's friends are all pagan witches. Kansas laughed and changed the subject - it moved onto the law and a story he's written. He wrote a 200 page story for Taryn. She was so excited because it was a gift. The subject leaves a bit to be desired, but the thought was there. I told him a few of my Geoffie stories and he laughed and then he told Taryn she was stupid to be out of school. He's quit smoking. He works out about 4 hrs a day. I sure wish I'd had a camera. He looked so good. His attitude is better. He told me how he has a friend in there. They met in the other prison and just kind of hit it off. It's important to have someone to talk to once in a while. He said this guy lost all his family last year. He is serving 28 yrs, has been in 20 - his mother died in July, his sister died in October and his father passed in November. He said it was awful. There was compassion. If you just knew what it means to find compassion in my son. I came away from there with hope. It was hard to hear the truth about his killing that other kid - but he's putting things in place to not have to lie. A long time ago I worked through the what if's. I guess we always thought he was just there. Family wants to deceive themselves when they love you.

3:00 came way too soon. We got tight hugs as we got up to go. He was sitting there in that chair and I reached my hand to him and he took it and squeezed it. Me and Taryn both fought back tears as we left.

She got car sick on the way home and I accidentally took the correct exit off 278... lol it could have been bad... but the Goddess kept us on track and allowed everything to stay positive. They are 50 minutes further than I am - so we made a big circle to Buford, dropped her off and back to Snellville. I got home at 8pm and we left Wrightsville at 3:15. I am exhausted. In a good way. I know we were blessed and watched out for today.

I wanted to thank you all for your good wishes and prayers. It means so much to have someone to share this with. I didn't even tell Steve I forgot my driver's lisense - he'd of been so mad. Kansas laughed at me and Taryn loves me anyway - since we got in. lol

I know this is long. I just wanted to write it all down so I have it for future reference. I'm gonna go lay in front of the fan. You all have a wonderful Father's Day and a blessed night.

much love and huge hugs!

~Amber

A long time ago, Mother's day was very hard for me. I didn't have the kind of mother people write sweet cards about. For a long time I thought my older children would never forgive me...and Mother's day, was a time of painful contemplation. To once again be able to embrace the day, I decided that instead of focusing on what and who I don't have, I'd approach mother's day with single memories. Like mamma's hands when I was sick, or when we all fell in the mud at the same time... or how she'd dance when we begged her to Sea Cruise. It has become a trusted techinique that has worked well over the years.

I hope the idea brings peace to someone's heart. We can't remake history and sometimes our mothers are not close to perfect.

To my christian mother who doesn't speak to me, but loves the little orphan children of Kenya, I wish you a blessed day with lots of love. I know those sweet babies need your touch and caring. May you always have the physical strength to nuture them; the emotional strength to bear their sorrows; and the discernment to know your own children love you in their different way. Peace Mamma. ~Amber

THE BLUE BOWL 

reward 

All day I did the little things,
The little things that do not show;
I brought the kindling for the fire
I set the candles in a row,
I filled a bowl with marigolds,
The shallow bowl you love the best-
And made the house a pleasant place
Where weariness might take its rest

The hours sped on, my eager feet
Could not keep pace with my desire.
So much to do, so little time!
I could not let my body tire;
Yet, when the coming of the night
Blotted the garden from my sight,
And on the narrow, graveled walks
Between the guarding flower stalks
I heard your step: I was not through
With services I meant for you.

You came into the quiet room
That glowed enchanted with the bloom
Of yellow flame. I saw your face,
Illumined by the firelit space,
Slowly grow still and comforted-
"It's good to be at home!" you said.
~Blanche Bane Kuder