I haven't felt like saying much lately - I can feel my bear medicine strongly - look in before looking out. Keep your words to yourself. No one wants to be mothered unless they ask for mothering... sigh...

I was listening to Susun Weed's tapes from the Gaia convention held in 1991 - it's about my 4th consecutive time through the set of 4 tapes on healing. I wish I'd found her information all those yrs ago. She makes this one statement about  "dirt"  that just makes me go AHHHHH! She says all you can do with it is MOVE it. You can't get rid of it. Think about that.

Then this morning on Good Morning America, one of the stories was about the ocean - on the California side - between CA, China, etc. A current exists that picks up our trash. It's becomming a thick soup of tiny bits of plastic that our wildlife ingests. Birds, fish, seals... I guess humans think they are impervious to their trash and see no reason to do things differently - what kind of nutrition exists in a fish who has eaten another fish who ingested these plastic particals? Are we emotionally immune from our own destructive practices?

Geoffie sat there watching that with me and you could see the child cringing. He reached over and wanted me to hold him. Both of us were fighting tears.

What kind of difference are we making in the world around us? I found out yesterday had I left those kittens in the wild state, we could spay them for $15 dollars. Now that they are tame and adoptable I have to pay full price. Because the mother cat is TAME, she doesn't qualify either even though she lives in the vacant lot. I can't even rehome discarded cats and get a break.

I just want to stomp my feet and throw a fit.

They canceled our Pagan Pride Day to rennovate the park - you know someone didn't like our gathering... I can't take on this project - I don't know how. Bless the lady who did it before -

I want to buy local and recycle and rescue cats and teach my son values - and it seems there are things to thwart us at every turn. When do we get off the fence and stop sending generic responses to each other? I was thinking about the creed I see so often - do what you will but harm none... how do you do those two things at once? I can't figure it out.

My gramma's words - It's our - MY - responsibility to hold the balance. How do you let other people learn their lessons when their lessons affect you? How do you keep your mouth shut when you want to scream at someone? Where is that balance between NOTHING's WRONG and straighten the F up?

Hold the balance - make a difference - swallow your fear - step up - learn to use your voice - discern when silence is best - don't interfere... DO SOMETHING....

Have you seen Paris Hilton's new video? She knows what she's about.

I'm spending today as close to barefoot as possible. I need to feel my path.

I'm probably going to own 12 cats...

and NO - I am not bi-polar.

The Goddess chooses the nicest morning colors. I've been on the porch asking her for a some help and the words came to me to let go - what I'm worried about is someone else's lesson and voice. Even though it's my child? is what goes through my thoughts... and she answered, Even though.

Tough stuff to watch your grown child struggle with the HAVE TOs of life. She has to find her own strength and voice and SAY what she wants and needs in spite of someone elses wants and needs. Her body is making her sick because she is swallowing her voice and doing what's expected. She's given in to the 'Shoulds' of family and it's miserable for her and she is in physical pain.

I hear the Lady tell me again "Let go, even though."

Not the words I wanted to hear - and she whispered "discern that ears are closed" what I would offer would not be accepted. She also told me I am expecting things again and I need to bind my tongue. Steve has been spreading out his tasks over weeks again and not finishing what he says he needs to do... I keep catching myself in perfectionist mode and the edge of the tongue gets sharper when I don't mean it to. He had to have my car yesterday to take it to the shop - I struggled to get it to him and barely made work in time - he called home and Geoffie asked for chicken from Mrs Winners so the car didn't get done. He brought home chicken. When I asked him if I do that to him, when he needs something from me, the tension jumped in the room - I felt it and I shut up to think because really, I was asking myself the question, not him. I realized he doesn't ever ask me to do anything for him. I always anticipate and step forward to handle what I PERCEIVE as needs.... what an interesting thing to realize. As I moved into contemplation of this, I also heard the Lady tell me to step back, stay kind, spend some time thinking about what this means. We work and think and place value differently... we are still mates and being together is a constant. Sometimes the constants in our lives are over looked and under valued - ignored. Again her voice said THINK on it. Where is the balance? LOL Thank you gramma...I knew you were there too! I never get away without considering where the balance is... LOL

Oh wise Morning voices Thank you.

My birds are stirring. No one has hit the feeder as they are waiting for real sunlight, but their voices are present.

Geoffie told me he'll be coming downstairs to spend time with me today. He's such a sweet kid. I hear him stirring too - it's just 7am. No cream for coffee. Having a smoothie instead. I keep reading that caffine is not good as we get older - seems something is determined to take mine away! LOL

OK - this day is calling. Possible thunderstorms are forcast and hubby called...

bright green blessings to all.

You all know me well enough to know that when I put things out here that show my pain I am looking for something. I am sorting and trying to to figure out what is happening -

I so appreciate your comments. I needed the hugs and the sweet words and the understanding. I think accepting that others can understand and feel along with me is part of what I am trying to come to grips with.

Someone asked me in private if I was considering a divorce. Farthest thing from it... I chose this man because he is kind and gentle and because yes is the first thing he says - he came to me at a time when I was most vulnerable and lifted me up. We are partners and good or bad, he's stuck with me.

My marriage is not the issue for me - I'm looking for my balance.

It's like Eithne says - I walk the path of the healer and and I walk with bear medicine. I know these two things better than anything else. What I still have to do is alow myself to move into my full moon power. As my body changes and the power my moon brings to me is internalized and kept inside, I have to figure out how to embrace it and not be afraid of it. I am strong and I am capable. It is good for me to walk from the back of the parking lot - when my moon time comes these days it's not cramps like it was when I was a young woman. I feel a buzzing, a tingle and I feel it releasing like I never imagined I could. It's a new power yet a power that requires me to open up and embrace an unknown. Unknown and changes are not easy for me - I plan things and organize things and I can't do that with full moon energy or my moon cycle as I begin my waning time.

I have to allow myself to open up and to - see, I did it again... I even use controling words like allow -

allow has nothing to do with this.

I am flowing. I am stepping into a river that will sweep me into the rapids and how I manage this change is how I become. I want to be strong and capable - and part of being a green witch, as I see it, is to embrace all that I am - good and bad, strong and weak, light and dark - even weepy.

Today I had a terrible headache after 2 nights of barely sleeping. I made it through working and took 2 asprin and a nap. I have coffee cream for tomorrow and my plants are still in the yard and the deck is still not waterproofed.

About 11:30 this morning The birds outside my window by the dead dogwood started screaming. I got up and tried to see what the problem was and found the outside cat had a baby bird, not feathered enough to fly that had fallen from a nest someplace - the mother robin was going nuts trying to save her baby. We retreived the bird and sat it in the neighbor's hedge. About 30 minutes later, the baby was on the ground again and I looked out and saw Shadow pounce on it. I sat and tried to just let nature do it's thing. A few minutes later Geoffrey came down stairs and wanted to check on the baby - I told him no. I explained that the cats had the bird and it would be kinder to let them finish it quickly than to stop them and allow it to die slowly from wounds and starvation. He understood but as he paced the room and could hear the cries, he said Mommy I'll kill it myself if I have to but I can't leave it to be hurt by the cats.

He was so serious I told him to go get a box.

The cats retreated and Geoffie lifted the bird from the grass. It had no visible wounds and only it's feathers were a bit crunched. We brought the baby robin in the house and while steve shopped for coffee creamer and sand paper and cashed his check, he kept calling me trying to figure out what to buy for the bird as bird food. Years ago I'd have wet baby chicken feed and fed it off the end of a spoon - this is not chicken country like the midwest is and the feed store only carries feed for horses. Steve called me for the 5th time with an idea. Maybe the local game ranch had some chick feed. They didn't, but they had a suggestion. Meat baby food. Watered down and fed through a straw. Then after 4 more calls to determine he'd simply have to make a decision on his own (libra man) he decided on 3 small jars of beef with beef gravy Gerber. Such trauma. The daggone bird ate. It may be dead by morning but for right now, it's in a box, upstairs, under Geoffrey's watchful eye. I hope he can handle it if the bird doesn't make it, but I have to say I was pretty proud of him that he understood rescuing it might mean killing it - I sure was releived that wasn't necessary - because lesson or not I could not have let my son do that - I'd have been the strong one and done it for him.

As the day went on we watched the other birds come to the dead dogwood tree... they were interacting and it was so interesting - there was a tiny hummer, a male cardinal, the titmouse, two robins, a thrasher and the dove... I think they were there as a community gathering because of the baby - but also because they were disoriented with the deck cleared of plants. A chickadee ran into the window and broke it's neck too.

My little sanctuary is needed by many more than just me.

The day has held a lot of lessons.

As always, all things are about balance, relationship, the circle - and the white path of peace. I love you gramma... thank you for the understandings and your voice inside me.

ai sv nv wa do hi ya do
Walk in peace.

The woman turned off the answering machine so he couldn't leave a message. This is a gal who totally screens the calls - he doesn't know if Paige got his message or not. You know, I always thought there was usually a tiny kindness in people - I guess this is why he stops trying after a while. We did find a picture online from the graduation... it's better than anything I was able to get. She's on the far left. Maybe this young woman has the kindness her mother can't find.

Steve is so miserable...

I've been doing a lot of thinking about wind. My husband is a cherokee wind sign as is my sweet son. The wind cools us in the heat - intensifies the cold. Today, weather calls for 20-30 mph winds and I went out and moved my plants off the railing.

If the wind is blowing, we tie our hair back so we can see. Wind would keep my EX from working. Wind can topple a centuries old tree... wind enhances other conditions. It needs to be respected every bit as much as the other elements. I think where I feel unbalanced at work is where the changes come so quickly. The unpredictability of change. Winds are often associated with change.

I would laugh when I read of people catching the wind in a sack to use later. How is that possible? Then I read a very serious article about Dannish Wind Farms. I never gave it much thought except to casually say I didn't understand it. Maybe I do more than I think and have chosen to ignore it...maybe the lesson from my job is that I can't ignore it or refuse it - I have to respect it. One day they send everyone topsy turvy the next, they give sweet concessions and ease your dis-ease.

It's been a productive full moon. I did a very good meditation and took Hawthorne's suggestion about binding the scroll to the Heron feather. She has long told me she needed her medicine used for a specific purpose. It was time because the meaning of Heron medicine was revealed to me - along with the medicine of the wind.

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Yesterday I worked on the deck. I was in the queue and the emails and credits were finished. I figured I'd spend the next few hrs outside. I lasted 3 hrs and my shade gave out

Taryn called me wanting info on fleas...where did I put that? I guess if she's having problems, we will be too soon. Gotta treat the babies. Eight down, one to go and Patches freaked and scratched up my wrist and knuckles. I hate having to be the one who treats them. Oh well... lol

Seems the EX has to have surgery on his ankle tomorrow and may have broken the other foot as well. He's let our daughter with the house know she has to take him in. I told her she doesn't have to. she could let whatever happens to him happen, but she can't. she's an excellent daughter with a crappy irresponsible father. I told her he's never going to be able to take care of himself again and he has absolutely nothing to contribute except drinking and critisizing. When he moves in, they set their path. They are her father's keeper from that time on. She knows... she said "it is what it is." She's growing up well and he's darned lucky.

Taryn is not going to Virginia with him. She is staying here and starting her life. She has a room mate situation ready to go and she will be within 20 miles of me. I feel better having her here in case she needs me. She has a stye and her friend Eddie - told her she has the uglies. lol I remember my mama rubbing a gold ring on a wool sock until the ring was hot and putting the heat on her stye. Taryn opted for tea bags and it took the swelling down fast. She's a smart girl who has to make up for some bad choices. I figure life will be harder than necessary, but it's what she's here for, right? To figure out lessons?

Well sweethearts, it's time to get ready for work. It may get interesting as the day goes on, but if it doesn't, I'll study my books and share a bit! Either way, I'm gonna have a great day. You do the same...

love you. ~Amber