Good Morning everyone!

I've been meaning to put this up here for a while and just found the picture again this morning. many of you know I cared for Steve's mom during her illness and that we lived in her home until she died. The morning after she died, there was the most beautiful pink sunrise. It stretched the entire length of the sky from East to West - very unusual. All of us stepped out on the porch to greet the day and the sky took our breath away. I reached inside the door for the camera, and Geoffrey said "good morning gramma." Steve and I teared up of course. But when I moved the picture to the computer, I know we had the final picture of our sweet mother and grandmother... We had no chimney...no dryer was running...no physical explaination for the shape in the picture. We all knew this was mom's final picture.

 

Well, it's over. Steve has his check and he and Don parted quickly. We were short 2,000$ of what we expected. The same amount Don determined my laptop cost and there was no mention of the difference or explanation. You all, for my peace, I need to let this go. It makes me angry. Steve and I both wanted this situation to be over and the only way was to acknowledge guilt to that man where there was none! I'm sure Steve never said a word. He wouldn't, it's not the kind of person he is. I just can't be around his brother ever again. His ethic and ideals make me want to puke. I worked so hard to control my own energy this morning... the cats were going nuts and I could tell I was barely harnessing the energy I called on our behalf. I've never really done that before. It's always been for others. Well, I've eaten and grounded and really feel the need to either MOVE my body, or take a nap. I'll have to decide quick!
Blessings to you all.
~Amber

Well friends, another day begins... this one should be interesting.

We greeted the sun, were waiting for the school bus, and I thought I'd start the car and warm it. Oh, it will be warm alright. I promptly locked the keys in the running car. So I've called a locksmith and - am waiting on water to boil for tea. I better make it lavender tea...lol He said someone can be here in 45 minutes...in Atlanta rush hour traffic...I am holding my breath. I guess 100$ rebates from the phone company need to be wasted on frivilous spendatures anyway. Darn.

We were up for a good two hours in the middle of the night talking. The caregiving experience with Steve's mom is still not resolved even after almost 2 yrs. I feel so helpless to help my husband come to terms with what happened. He saw his mother's very worst characters and he saw his whole family crash and burn...they are barely speaking...and that, only until the money is resolved. He rehashed all the bad from his whole life I think. He is the abused son of a minister...and a mother who never took a stand for her kids. Now he wishes we had never helped her and feels like a fool for our sacrifices. I try to tell him we are better people for it and what we put out into the universe is what comes back to us no matter HOW other people act. It's just very hard. He has no spiritual connection at all and feels like his whole life has been a punishment. I can't infuse what I know and use to keep things in their perspective for myself, to him. I wish to the ALL I could. It's so hard to watch someone you love struggle so badly. He struggles with the self degrading inner talk. He is worthless, he just wants to die...it's so negative...and any thing that hurts him sets the inner crap off. He is such a sensitive man and this breaks my heart for him. When he gets like this, I worry. I think CJ being gone has spurred it.

Well, it's been 30 minutes and still no call from the locksmith. I guess I will not be meeting Steve today for sure before work.

I think I will see if I can get some deep breathing time in and release a little of this early morning junk. I need to smudge.

I pray you all have a blessed day and healing and positives come to everyone.
much love,
Morning Rain

Osiyo family. Thought I'd peek in for a few...prayers go up for you always.

At 1 am I heard this little voice just short of crying say "curses, throwing up and pooping at the same time is not fair". Yep, life teaches some major lessons at odd times...

On a happy note: we should be well by Christmas.

We got a call from Steve's sister saying she's ready to come get mom's car... which we have been using since Steve wrecked his truck 6 weeks ago. We've had no time to replace the truck with her illness and now ---- we had a week to recover, a week of the flu, and everyone wants to come and go through her things before Christmas...why am I not surprised with this crew of yonega ooks? I told Steve yesterday I will handle whatever happens, but I cannot deal with them ramshakling my nest right now. I am sick, we need time. I expect him to stand up for us. I go back to work on the 3rd...I want to go to KY before then . . .

the peace definitely has to come from within because Christmas or not, the world (people) keeps itself whipped up into a frenzy.

When Charlie died a year ago, he left his money to Geoffrey. It's in a nice account that we have no intention of touching. That is a foreign concept to these people. We should make his life better, take him on a trip, fix up his house...it obviously negates any money Steve might have gotten from his mama's estate, right? I mean Steve could spend it and we wouldn't have to struggle. In our way of thinking, we had an agreement with Charlie. We would fix Geoffrey's teeth, and the money would remain untouched so this little boy could go to college and have a nice start in life...our part?, we put up with him and allowed Geoffrey to spend time with him for a couple of hours on Wednesday nights. When he dangled the money over my head, I told him to kiss my ook --- Geoffrey loves him and it had nothing to do with his money --- I told him to spend it! make himself comfortable --- I would never bring Geoffrey because of the money. The man had to stay sober on Wednesdays to see Geoffrey --- he stayed sober more often hoping we'd pop in so he could see him --- we did as often as we could --- you don't buy love. I brought Geoffrey for 8 yrs every wednesday, because Charlie loved him and Geoffie loved Charlie. That money is between the two of them, and that's where it will stay.

As far as the rest of this, mom asked about selling the house and Steve wanted to hang onto his home...he was born here. He gave up claim to her money and we took care care of her to appease everyone else. We took care of her because she needed us to. By the end, it evolved into an exchange for the house which makes me sick...what I did for her was not about any of this. Now they want their things, her things gathered and sold and added to the estate --- after all that's fair and Don did add "don't you think that's fair?" to the end of his 'informing me statement' when I objected to them taking things. They can either be allowed to choose and then leave what they don't want --- or he will take our home apart and sell everything that was hers --- and that's fair ---

Well let me tell you about fair. I got rid of my furniture to combine households with her so THEY could retain the image of Mama's house in their minds until she was gone. I wiped her butt, cleaned her hands when she ...well...the images are too graphic. I gagged many many times while they were expressing their ignorance and insisting I do what mama wanted instead of what was best for a woman I wasn't related to. While we cared for mom through all the hard times and struggle, they complained and opinioned me to death nearly...I was disrespected and degraded on more occassions than I can count. I was sent from the room when family gathered. I brushed her teeth, washed her body, kept the comforts about her that she cared about...tried to be a companion, put up with character insinuations like you can't imagine --- and NO I DO NOT THINK ANY OF THIS IS FAIR.

I will live with things for the rest of my life because of the choice I made to GIVE.

I'll tell you what is fair --- fair was listening to my little boy read stories to his grandmother even after she was too sick to ever respond again. Fair was the day she blessed my hands. Fair was the smile when I brought her flowers from her yard. Fair was seeing the full moon as she entered her death time. Fair was the history I now carry of her family and her memories that she needed a listener for. Fair is the TIME not the MONEY.

Didn't I just say I don't think this is fair? Well here is the little surprise. When you stack it all up against the valuelessness of selfishness--- it makes a real mean, tall, tower. MONEY, car, house, things...tall tower. When you cradle the things that are important in your hands to compare with that tower... you don't see nothin'. But you FEEL everything. Love, stories, giving, smiles, hugs, human touch... You relive all the good memories that you touched because you were here --- instead of reliving 'not being here' when you were needed. And I am here to say to you today that we must THINK. We must see with our hearts. The invisible is always worth more that the tangible. It's not fair that mom is reduced to an estate. It's not fair her children only experienced her last days because I called them to come. It's not fair that for them, this is reduced to a car and some money and some things. They can pull the straw out of my nest...but they can't take away my ability to build it.

And that people, is where the lesson lies. Throwing up and pooping at the same time is not fair --- but it's necessary when the body needs to get out the poison. The values in this society are poison. For some reason, it is important that we see them up close and personal. I think it facilitates healing.

We will be well by Christmas.

I love you all.
~Morning Rain

Wow it was strange to be able to lie in bed and enjoy a good stretch. It was also strange to realize I can go out in the car with my husband and son. I've been housebound for 10 months.
We buried mom yesterday. I had a killer headache and when I spoke for her at the service, I forgot my glasses and couldn't keep my place as I read. Such a day...the preacher made an alter call out of the service and talked about her walking on streets of gold...Geoffie looked at me and asked if that was true. I asked him if he thought gramma would want to walk on gold or be part of everything she loved? He said I love you mommy...she is in my heart and in the garden...I asked him if he understood it was ok to miss her, but that it would be selfish to wish she hadn't died because she had suffered so much. He said yes and he thinks she likes the change!
I have a smart kid.
Thank you all for your prayers and support. I sure needed the place to talk and the partners in prayer. I am hoping our living space doesn't have to change, but since she wouldn't make a will, nothing is certain. I found out my work will hire me back to a different position. It's a 5$ph pay cut, but we can manage and I can work back up. I hope to spend the next week getting my college classwork caught up so I don't fail it, then go back to work the first week of January. My body needs a break though and I am going to make sure I am healed before taking on the rat race.
So this is how we are this morning. I'm going to enjoy the flowers, and go make some coffee.
love you all...
~Morning Rain